Time Killa

Timing killing is an art form. I definitely haven't mastered it.

I have the ability to pass out in any class you put me in. Interesting or not, I can do it. Take me out of that class and give me and opportunity to sleep freely and I can't do it. Life is filled with shit like that.

I brought a dvd today. I took precautions in case it was a time killing day.

I Love You Man will make me that weird girl laughing out loud.. by herself.

This has happened to me many times before.

Disease.

For a while I felt "immune".

Or so I let myself think that I was.

That I was immune to feelings.

Which I clearly know I have a lot of them..

But feelings of not getting hurt.

I'm vulnerable.

I can never deny that.

EVER.

I discovered that it's not that I can't commit.

It's just that I can't find someone worth committing to.

I get "skeeved out" as I often say.

I sometimes wonder if I have a mental block.

People say that it's just me being picky.

I honestly beg to differ.

Going out of my way for a guy..

..means that I actually might like him.

Have I done that before?

Yup. Once.

I have bi-polar moments.

When he cares too much about me,

I can really careless about him at all.

It freaks me out if someone likes me more than I like them.

The second the tables are turned..

Raging female hormones overpower me.

This happens often, I know.

It's not uncommon in the least.

But yea-

RAGING FEMALE HORMONES.

I hate it when people say, "I need help" in regards to this area.

You really don't need help.

What you need is to stop searching for help,

And start looking within yourself and the good ol' Lord for answers.

He helps.

I got dicked over today.

I swear-

I had no intentions of this going anywhere.

I got annoyed of the constant attention.

I didn't intend on saying hello today.

No text from him=

Total curiosity.

"He really thinks he can do this to me?"

"..... TO ME!?"

I need to get off my high horse sometimes.

Things happen.

Not just to me, but to everyone.

I'm not immune to it.

I have a paper heart.

Oops.

I totally forgot.

"I thought love would be my cure..

But now it's my disease"

You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines
But you'll still be my star

Baby 'cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

When the sun shines, we'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella

I. AM. STILL. OBSESSED. WITH. WEDDINGS.

This has been going on way too long.

Everything about them is so fascinating.

The dresses are indescribably breath-taking.

Flowers and arrangements leave me in awe.

And the cakes are ridiculous and delicious.

I'm not super girly when it comes to relationships and I'm not so hands on.

But when it comes to my wedding, I will be on a mission.

Big, elegant-glamour, open bar, fist pumps, popping and locking, &LOVE.

Be ready.

Paper Heart

2010 is here.

It took some time to assess and truly figure everything out. I didn't blog because for a long while, nothing was of much importance to me. I went through a period where I was somewhat numb. I say somewhat mainly for the fact that I did feel. I felt some emotion but mostly negative.

I begged, hoped, and prayed for better times. That request was not something that just happened. It needed to be earned. I proved to God that I deserved better times, and like the man he is, He gave it to me.

I often like epiphany's but I can't stand when people have them in the new year. I don't agree with the whole, "New Year, new me" bullshit. 'Cause let's be real, I don't believe that change can happen in a person. Improvement on the other hand, can definitely happen. And I'm a firm believer in that. A person can't change because they are that way for a reason. That's their natural being and instinct to act in such ways, but they can always adjust and improve those flaws and bad traits. Yet for some reason, I'm going to go back and be somewhat of a hypocrite. I feel like a new person. I'm not a full hypocrite mainly for the fact that I do indeed feel like a new person, but not completely. I still hold everything that I am (or was?) but with a new attitude.

I am so grateful. And I mean that whole-heartedly. In the past few months- something that was a tragedy turned into a blessing. It hurt and I questioned the motives behind it happening, but I now see. It was meant to bring my family and I closer, as well as make my bond with the Lord stronger.

I used to say that I was happy being alone. I said that, and half-meant it. 'Cause in all honesty, who wants to be alone? Well with that attitude, you'll never be fully content with not having a significant other. Up until a day or two after New Year's I did want to be with somebody. Then my epiphany hit. Now, I truly do not find the need to make someone else's presence feed into my happiness. I have never felt this freedom and "power" as some may call it. Being single isn't a curse, it is sooooo a gift.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not one of those people who after finding their new found single-power, never wants to be in a relationship ever again. I definitely do want to be in a relationship. I won't even go as far to say I don't want one in the near future. I'm just going on day by day. I've said this time and time again,"if it happens, it happens. But I'm not going to look for it. If the oppurtunity comes my way, then I'll seize it- if it's right." I've said that in the past and kind of meant it. It was just a cover that I used so I wouldn't look like that girl that really wanted a boyfriend. But now.. that "cover" I put on, has truth behind it.

I have a paper heart. It's delicate and can rip with the right utensil. But with proper care, it can withhold wisdom and love through the toughest and sweetest of words.

And with that said, I will continue to listen to the Beatles then pop in Paper Heart with Michael Cerra to end my marvelous week.

Let it be, love is all you need.

1,000 words is equal to..

..1,000 pictures?

To sum up and describe to you my summer wouldn't do it justice. I think that pictures capture a moment and tell it like words might not be able to. Summer '09 has left me in awe. The random order of these captured moments are just that. Randomly organized pictures of my summer.. but memories that once put together, collaborate and make one of the best summer's of my life.

Photo by Kristian Espiritu

Photo by John Salangsang

Photo by Evan Brockett

Carlyn

Music and lyrics

"I never knew, I never knew that everything was falling through. That after all these years I'd still be calling you, to try and sell you on the thought of coming back to me.."
-Mike Posner & the Brain Trust

I remember a time when I used to listen to music but never related to it or actually listened to the words and meaning behind it all. It wasn't til a couple years ago that I really started appreciating music. I now see that it's just another way to connect with people. I had a conversation with someone once about the reason why we like certain songs without knowing why. They said it was because there was a similar relation between you and that song.

I often say things, and end up eating my words in the end. I truly want what I say as of late to stick. "Never say never" is the kind of bullshit I've heard a few times lately. I can't decipher the difference between those who give me real advice, and those who get their advice from the cliche advice giving handbook (this book's definitely a best-seller by now). Yet with all this advice and words that I've been giving and equally taking, I still don't know the truth. The one thing I'm longing for is the truth. Actually, I lied. I'm not going to act like that's my life. Wondering the truth from a person. That's just giving them more significance than they deserve. But as a human being, and having these natural insticts, I do long for the truth, as well as the long awaited closure.

The relation between the words that came out of Mike Posner and the Brain Trust's mouth and myself is simple. They speak the truth. But the truth that defined me before. Who knows whether or not I'll be eating my words again. As for now, I'm on a diet. No more eating words.. just spitting them out. Hopefully as sick rhymes. Haha.

Real talk, someone once told me that we like songs because there was a similar relation between you and that song. I vote that to be correct. It has to be correct, or else music would not be a dominant force in the world. My only advice to you would be to just choose the song wisely. Unless the song chooses you first.


Phil Collins. He's the man. And just that awesome.

Carlyn