Alone

Heart sings it well.

She's just being Miley

I wanna fly, I wanna drive, I wanna go.
I wanna be a part of something I don’t know.

Don't change me.

And the band played on.

the band played on.

LIFE GOES ON.

summer.. yeah, it's on.

IGNORANCE IS BLISS.

Performance Objective/Aim:

To be successfully happy OR to be happily successful.

Myth: With age you become more cynical.

Fact: With age you are more cynical.

At 19, I feel the range of mental and physical stress weighing down on me.

I once was happy go-lucky. Now, I'm more realistic. Whether it be in a negative or positive light.

cut the bullshit.

That's the one thing I've truly learned to live by.

No more sugar-coating. As much as we all love it, it is not healthy for us mentally and physically.

The simple things that used to make me happy barely satisfy me. I suddenly want more out of life.

I need adventure.

I need mystery.

I need security.

I need answers.

I need balance.

I need contradiction.

When we are at this age:

not a baby, not a child, but a pre-adult-

We have harbored the happiness.

We have discovered what brings us the happiness.

Now it is up to us whether we maintain it,

or release it.

For what brought us that happiness once before,

does not last forever.

"Memories don't live like people do.."

-but yet memories are what lives are built on

Dead.

"You're dead to me."

And yet, here I am.

Still alive.

Still breathing.

Still moving.

Still happy.

UN-

I feel like I come here only when times are rough.

I truly apologize for using you like this, but you have to understand..

For the past few weeks I have completely backtracked. Everything I had once known and recently learned has just escaped me. Usually when I get into these moods where I'm "numb" to the events going on around me, I can snap out if given a two week period. This time is different.

I honestly miss the person I used to be.

I often pray that the girl that I once was can come back. She was more easy-going, much kinder and had such a light spirit. Some things that are pretty rare for Carlyn nowadays. Having to try to have those same qualities again is something that shouldn't have to be done. It should just... be.

SO MANY THOUGHTS ARE PASSING THROUGH MY MIND RIGHT NOW. So many in fact, that if I tried to put them all here it would seem as if 10 different people were speaking.

I don't know where I am at-at the moment. I don't know where I'm going. Hell- I can't even say, "but all I know is .." because there is nothing that I ultimately know. From the bits and pieces of emotions that I'm feeling, I can somewhat put together a general want that I have.

I want to feel love. Not loved. I just want to feel love.

Having the feeling of not being wanted is something that I recently experienced. It doesn't even bother me the hurtful things that were done. The thing that irks me the most is the insincerity that those people have. The lack of compassion shown truly gets to me. Though you might not see any wrong in the things you did- can't you at least see that someone that I thought you cared about was actually hurt by it?

Clearly, I was wrong.

I was wrong to think that things will always work both ways.

Silver Lining.

I've had a pretty shitty week.

SHIT HAPPENS.

But somehow it'll work itself out.

Time Killa

Timing killing is an art form. I definitely haven't mastered it.

I have the ability to pass out in any class you put me in. Interesting or not, I can do it. Take me out of that class and give me and opportunity to sleep freely and I can't do it. Life is filled with shit like that.

I brought a dvd today. I took precautions in case it was a time killing day.

I Love You Man will make me that weird girl laughing out loud.. by herself.

This has happened to me many times before.

Disease.

For a while I felt "immune".

Or so I let myself think that I was.

That I was immune to feelings.

Which I clearly know I have a lot of them..

But feelings of not getting hurt.

I'm vulnerable.

I can never deny that.

EVER.

I discovered that it's not that I can't commit.

It's just that I can't find someone worth committing to.

I get "skeeved out" as I often say.

I sometimes wonder if I have a mental block.

People say that it's just me being picky.

I honestly beg to differ.

Going out of my way for a guy..

..means that I actually might like him.

Have I done that before?

Yup. Once.

I have bi-polar moments.

When he cares too much about me,

I can really careless about him at all.

It freaks me out if someone likes me more than I like them.

The second the tables are turned..

Raging female hormones overpower me.

This happens often, I know.

It's not uncommon in the least.

But yea-

RAGING FEMALE HORMONES.

I hate it when people say, "I need help" in regards to this area.

You really don't need help.

What you need is to stop searching for help,

And start looking within yourself and the good ol' Lord for answers.

He helps.

I got dicked over today.

I swear-

I had no intentions of this going anywhere.

I got annoyed of the constant attention.

I didn't intend on saying hello today.

No text from him=

Total curiosity.

"He really thinks he can do this to me?"

"..... TO ME!?"

I need to get off my high horse sometimes.

Things happen.

Not just to me, but to everyone.

I'm not immune to it.

I have a paper heart.

Oops.

I totally forgot.

"I thought love would be my cure..

But now it's my disease"

You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines
But you'll still be my star

Baby 'cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
And that's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

When the sun shines, we'll shine together

Told you I'll be here forever

Said I'll always be a friend

Took an oath, I'ma stick it out till the end

Now that it's raining more than ever

Know that we'll still have each other

You can stand under my umbrella

You can stand under my umbrella

I. AM. STILL. OBSESSED. WITH. WEDDINGS.

This has been going on way too long.

Everything about them is so fascinating.

The dresses are indescribably breath-taking.

Flowers and arrangements leave me in awe.

And the cakes are ridiculous and delicious.

I'm not super girly when it comes to relationships and I'm not so hands on.

But when it comes to my wedding, I will be on a mission.

Big, elegant-glamour, open bar, fist pumps, popping and locking, &LOVE.

Be ready.

Paper Heart

2010 is here.

It took some time to assess and truly figure everything out. I didn't blog because for a long while, nothing was of much importance to me. I went through a period where I was somewhat numb. I say somewhat mainly for the fact that I did feel. I felt some emotion but mostly negative.

I begged, hoped, and prayed for better times. That request was not something that just happened. It needed to be earned. I proved to God that I deserved better times, and like the man he is, He gave it to me.

I often like epiphany's but I can't stand when people have them in the new year. I don't agree with the whole, "New Year, new me" bullshit. 'Cause let's be real, I don't believe that change can happen in a person. Improvement on the other hand, can definitely happen. And I'm a firm believer in that. A person can't change because they are that way for a reason. That's their natural being and instinct to act in such ways, but they can always adjust and improve those flaws and bad traits. Yet for some reason, I'm going to go back and be somewhat of a hypocrite. I feel like a new person. I'm not a full hypocrite mainly for the fact that I do indeed feel like a new person, but not completely. I still hold everything that I am (or was?) but with a new attitude.

I am so grateful. And I mean that whole-heartedly. In the past few months- something that was a tragedy turned into a blessing. It hurt and I questioned the motives behind it happening, but I now see. It was meant to bring my family and I closer, as well as make my bond with the Lord stronger.

I used to say that I was happy being alone. I said that, and half-meant it. 'Cause in all honesty, who wants to be alone? Well with that attitude, you'll never be fully content with not having a significant other. Up until a day or two after New Year's I did want to be with somebody. Then my epiphany hit. Now, I truly do not find the need to make someone else's presence feed into my happiness. I have never felt this freedom and "power" as some may call it. Being single isn't a curse, it is sooooo a gift.

Don't get me wrong though. I'm not one of those people who after finding their new found single-power, never wants to be in a relationship ever again. I definitely do want to be in a relationship. I won't even go as far to say I don't want one in the near future. I'm just going on day by day. I've said this time and time again,"if it happens, it happens. But I'm not going to look for it. If the oppurtunity comes my way, then I'll seize it- if it's right." I've said that in the past and kind of meant it. It was just a cover that I used so I wouldn't look like that girl that really wanted a boyfriend. But now.. that "cover" I put on, has truth behind it.

I have a paper heart. It's delicate and can rip with the right utensil. But with proper care, it can withhold wisdom and love through the toughest and sweetest of words.

And with that said, I will continue to listen to the Beatles then pop in Paper Heart with Michael Cerra to end my marvelous week.

Let it be, love is all you need.