I truly apologize for using you like this, but you have to understand..
For the past few weeks I have completely backtracked. Everything I had once known and recently learned has just escaped me. Usually when I get into these moods where I'm "numb" to the events going on around me, I can snap out if given a two week period. This time is different.
I honestly miss the person I used to be.
I often pray that the girl that I once was can come back. She was more easy-going, much kinder and had such a light spirit. Some things that are pretty rare for Carlyn nowadays. Having to try to have those same qualities again is something that shouldn't have to be done. It should just... be.
SO MANY THOUGHTS ARE PASSING THROUGH MY MIND RIGHT NOW. So many in fact, that if I tried to put them all here it would seem as if 10 different people were speaking.
I don't know where I am at-at the moment. I don't know where I'm going. Hell- I can't even say, "but all I know is .." because there is nothing that I ultimately know. From the bits and pieces of emotions that I'm feeling, I can somewhat put together a general want that I have.
I want to feel love. Not loved. I just want to feel love.
Having the feeling of not being wanted is something that I recently experienced. It doesn't even bother me the hurtful things that were done. The thing that irks me the most is the insincerity that those people have. The lack of compassion shown truly gets to me. Though you might not see any wrong in the things you did- can't you at least see that someone that I thought you cared about was actually hurt by it?
Clearly, I was wrong.
I was wrong to think that things will always work both ways.
